Not On My Life

I wasn't trying to look like an ass when I said not to use my life in a movie unless you include me in the production. I was just angry because movies have endings and my life isn't over yet. Didn't mean to be offensive or anything.
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© 2012. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Faith and Cope

You know, if you really want to think ahead, you should think ahead to the moment of your death. People who have real faith in God trust that this life and every horror that happens here is only passing. And they only worry about the afterlife. But people who have no faith in God worry about next week or next year instead.
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On the Bright Side

You know why the sun's out today, everyone, right? It's because I have money. I could have ranted about another hassle today, but I just laugh them off now. They never bring me any serious physical harm and I'm so used to them that they might even help me feel normal. I need to take some time off from blogging to focus on my growing repertoire. Before I go, I just have one last thing to say. It won't matter that I don't floss when I get my porcelain caps. Then I'll only need to rinse with AJAX once a day.
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Colourblind

As a child, I used to watch Sanford and Son, and didn't know that Redd Foxx was black. I think all children start out this way. Then they are corrupted by their parents. But I have tried to sustain my childhood colourblindness as an adult. I think it is one example of how we can learn from children.
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Brainstorm

You can calm storms, too, if you're patient and don't mind getting wet. Next time there's a rainstorm, go outside and hold your hands up and tell that storm to 'stop!'. It might take a few hours - or a few weeks if you live in Vancouver - but eventually that storm will obey you.
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Tolkein Nonsense

I just found out that halfling is not a word. It had two syllables and the right meaning for its place in my lyrics. But I should have checked it before I used it. I picked it up from The Lord of the Rings, but I misread it. I didn't realize that it was being used by the men of Gondor as a racial slur against hobbits and dwarves. 'You! Halfling! Stop looking up that maiden's dress and come over here and shoe this horse!' Apologies to the little people.
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National Dyslexic

I met a couple of girls last night from the Australian Alps. Funny, they didn't have English accents. They sounded French. And they said they didn't know how to water-ski either.
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This Never Happened

Hello out there, all my little girlfriends. You know what today is? It's the year and a half anniversary of when we first started going steady. Remember when we all went on that first date on the internet? We all watched The Machine Stops together. And you ate all the popcorn. It might be time for us to get serious soon and start holding hands.
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Slim Compensation

One advantage of prolonged hunger is that it takes the smell out of your gas. There is nothing left in your intestines to taint it. (But it can still be noisy.)
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Marriages of Convenience

I respect the sanctity of marriage. 'What God hath put together, let no man put asunder.' That's why if I ever do it with a married woman, it will only be as a friend.
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Driveway Star

I wonder if my car wasn't sabotaged sometimes. The way it died on me soon after I bought it seems mysterious.
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Waste of Time

It's funny how others thought I had 'come down in the world' by accepting a position in the entertainment industry as a forklift driver. At the time, I thought it was a step up. Before that, I worked in a waste management facility.
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Roll With the Punches

Hip-hop artists, if you are making people happy with what you do, I don't want to take that away. But I have four words to help you understand why I have a personal dislike of your genre: KNEEL TO THE POWER!. Someone tell me why I pictured that abomination playing at a busy roller skating circuit.
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Cu-it

Fru-it? Have I been mispronouncing that word all these years? I thought it was a one-syllable word, but your way of saying it conforms better to its spelling.
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Like It Is

I try to read between the lines of the news I'm watching. It's often full of shit. For instance, if I see a story that is accusing a foreign country of some offense, it tells me that we are being programmed to go to war with that country. I don't think this kind of bullshitting is necessary in the modern age. People are too well informed now. We can be honest with them. If I were the president and I wanted to start a war, I'd be honest about it. 'People, you're getting overpopulated. It's time we thinned you out...'
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He Loves You

Well he's a star right now, but don't worry, once we get through with his image, his followers won't know what hit them. What are you going to do to his image? Strip him naked and pin him to a cross with a crown of thorns on his head and a humiliating sign posted above him.
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Worse than War

Watched a couple war movies from a DVD set. I got my four dollars worth. Gung Ho is an American film from 1943 about a team of U.S. commandos who storm a Japanese held island and attack its radio station. The men gleefully embark on their suicide mission and the background score remains lively and melodic through their ensuing slaughter. Japanese soldiers choose clever hiding places, often in shrubberies, up in palm trees, on rooftops behind chimnies, and in camouflaged machine-gun nests which have to be cleared by hand grenades. And sometimes when they die, they're just faking so they can sneak up behind you and shoot you in the back. But the Americans managed to knock down that radio antenna in the end - with some kind of 'Jap' steamroller. Hell in Normandy is a 1968 Italian World War Two movie about U.S. soldiers. It offers a quieter battleground in the pastoral French countryside, with the only intrusion being that bumbling Tom Gratton when he pops up in the wrong spot. I was thrown by some of the translated idioms, such as '... or you'll get in it in the neck!' which I've never heard in my life.
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From the Cradle to the Pen

I thought that ending in that story I read in Grade Four about the little girl who thought the credit card was a magic card was a bit harsh. They didn't have to throw her in jail. I guess they wanted to show what happens when you make mistakes with credit cards. Or maybe she needed to see what she would grow up to be like by being in circulation with hardened convicts.
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